Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Again, or Not

A subject keeps coming to mind of the inability to completely comprehend the fact that I was married to someone and now, most likely, will never see this person again. Not that I want to see him again — the man did me wrong — but it's such an unsettling notion that I once shared intimacies with a man who, for all intents and purposes, has voluntarily vanished from my life.

I'm guessing that the passage of time enables one to become accustomed to any change in routine. The new life unfolds with its own new habits and reoccurences, whatever they may be, for good or not. I'm lucky in that I won't run into my ex-husband on the street: he now lives 3,000 miles away. But just as we possess a curiosity to see, say, high-school friends at a years-later reunion (or not, as is my case), will I desire an end-of-marriage reunion in 2031? What an odd thought that is.

The picture I keeps in my mind of long-ago friends is my last, ultimately embellished, memory of them. Last summer I rendez-vous-ed with a high school friend I'd not seen for 23 years — and I didn't recognize her when she walked into the restaurant. In high school, she was plain, pale and awkward, dressed like a boy with a head of short kinky hair. The woman I met for lunch had long styled straight hair swooped to one side, and was chic and confident. And who was I, I wonder, to her?

The ex-husband I won't see in 2031 will be an old man. And I guess that would make me, equally, an old woman. Who will I be in twenty years? Who do I want to be?

Cut loose from domineering men, that decision is now completely my own.

Can I say that it brings me a profound measure of joy?

Yes, I can.

And it does.


  1. It is strange how at one time you are (what you think to be) madly in love and then...nothing.
    I look back and wonder how I could promise to love man to the end of the earth. I knew we would grow old together. I knew that nothing could ever separate us. And yet...
    Sometimes I think I must not be the same woman as I was 21 years ago. I never knew I would be filling in the word "divorced" on my income taxes each year.

  2. It's still unsettling to me to realize that the life I thought I'd found to live out to its completion, & the life companion I thought would accompany me, have now shifted entirely away. Sadly, I have yet to find a measure of joy in this, but I'll keep hoping--you're an inspiration!

  3. I often hear people say that they not only divorced a man/woman, but they also unwittingly divorced a whole circle of friends as well as a whole family. The ramifications seem endless.

  4. You've gotten to the good days. That's the silver lining in what must often feel truly surreal. A very thought provoking post.

    I hope your sister is doing better, and your friend.

  5. yes, T., same thing for me. a husband, stepchildren, family, books...all gone, dropped into a black hole. but totally diff scenario with my son's father, who i stopped living with in 1978. we chat once a month or so, e-mail; just sent him a book for his birthday...
    go figure...

  6. John, you too have been my inspiration, as we've walked similar paths in the past year.

    Bless you, friend.

    May you also find joy.


  7. Cro, yes, this process often does seem endless. Thanks for being a constant presence in this global blog community!


  8. Angela, never thought I'd get here. Thank you for adding your wisdom to this conversation.


  9. Susan, yes, it's all so surreal to have so many people and things suddenly dropped away to who-knows-where. The breadth of it all sometimes sucks all the air from my lungs.

    Yours has been a voice of constant affirmation --

    I thank you for this.


  10. It is a very odd state of being...and I've done it now THREE times. (Gawd that sounds awful.) Makes me question reality in a profound way, a makes me wonder why I would want to pursue love again...and yet I do. But there is this large chunk of skepticism wedged firmly in my heart and my ability to trust my own instincts has been deeply compromised.

    I didn't realize he'd moved away -- that is actually a blessing. Takes him completely out of your realm.

    What a journey it has been, T.!

  11. I'm going to guess that by then you won't think of him much less be curious - unless something far outside yourself bring him to mind, for he won't be in your mind.

    At least that's how it's turned out for me re el ol' X, X r-evah ' evah! thank goodness.

    Love, C.

  12. All the planets and all the alignments at this time suggest you leave the past behind, forever, and only go forward from now on. I couldn't agree more and am wrestling with leaving the past, myself - it ain't easy but better than drowning in the poison that was.