Friday, February 15, 2013

A Song For You

Even almost ten years after the fact, and seemingly from nowhere, come moments where it feels like my husband was in his car accident just last week. And wherever I am, I must surrender to the moment, knowing that it will pass, and the knowledge that, as time goes on, these moments become spaced further apart.

This happened today at work, while I was painting, alone, and listening to Pandora on shuffle, which, with 100 stations and each station playing any variety of tunes that fit the theme,  there is a possibility of infinite variations.

It was a sunny afternoon in a winter of rare blue skies — remarkable in and of itself — and I sat and let the wave wash over me. And then this — a new song began, and it was one of the songs played at Mark's memorial — A Song for You, by Donny Hathaway:

I love you in a place 
Where there's no space or time
I love you for my life  
You' re a friend of mine  
And when my life is over 
Remember when we were together
We were alone 
And I was singing this song to you

My sons and I listened to dozens, possibly hundreds of songs that week before we gathered together, and there was no question that this song — a favorite of Mark's — was the right one.

His memorial was held in one of the theaters at A Contemporary Theater in downtown Seattle, and close to 300 people attended. There was live music as well as recorded, and we listened to this song on their state-of-the-art sound system, and it was heartbreaking, as well as breathtaking.

The timing of this song today was a bit of a heart-taker, a breath-breaker, and I sat up and listened to every note with tears streaming down my face. (Good thing I was alone!)

There is not a day that doesn't pass without a gift, and today's gift was a big one.

I don't know if I'll marry again; the whole business, at this point, seems like a fuck-load of effort that I'd rather forego. But life, and love, has a sneaky way of catching us unaware, roping us in when we believe we're invulnerable.


  1. I have a friend, with whom I was at school, who has been married 5 times (at the last count), and I often wonder what on earth goes on inside his head. I am a great believer in 'love for life', even if it is sadly cut short.... But who knows, if the right person suddenly bursts through that door.... (as long as it's not my old school friend!)

  2. A beautiful post, T. What a moment for you, with the tears streaming down your face. A gift, indeed.

  3. The older we grow the more we bring with us. More and more gears have to mesh and stay engaged. I admire people who can remarry and stay that way.

  4. ohhh. so moving. and donny hathaway, to seal the kiss. yes.

  5. You cannot know.

    But -- in the meantime, you have and still have so much and so many kinds of love. Love -- it is what powers each of us, and thus powers the universe.

    Love (not a speck of irony here), C.

  6. That was beautiful -- the writing, the song. As for the marriage bit -- hmmmm.