Monday, May 2, 2011


I'm tired of talking about this here, I'm tired of this being the focus of every day, I am tired I am tired I am tired of not sleeping and the ongoing panic and the anger and loss and betrayal and and and and and and and and

Some moments rise up and smack me in the face, and I pretend it's all okay because it's been a month now -- shouldn't I be getting over this already? -- a month since that D word got under my skin, but, parasite that it is, continues to burrow deeper every day.

And I don't get a choice in this.

In the State of Washington, if a spouse wants a divorce, that spouse gets a divorce. Done and done.

The path from A to Z varies from couple to couple, but the end result is dissolution.

This is losing.

Bad behavior on the part of either spouse: no matter.
No punishment.
Not an issue.
No one cares.
Outrageous cruelty?
No big deal.

This ain't ethics.
It's law.

Meanwhile, the glass shards and the briars and splinters and thorns I'm certain that I've swallowed grow more diamond-sharp with each intake of breath.

Wave upon wave, gust after gust, this tempest rages.


  1. Dear T - I seemed to lose my comment. Did it come to you? Here's what I think I said...

    I think it's time to lose the rock picture, T, and the sinking boat. Something's needed that's loose enough and light enough possibly to fly. X (p.s. the word verification for this comment is 'unrazed'! love it.)

    In fact, the word verification now is 'cosyco' which is another thing altogether...

  2. Don't be too hard on yourself T. When a relationship dies it is a real death, but without the permission to grieve you get with actual bereavement. Also, unlike bereavement, you are continually reminded by the reappearance of the 'other'. So you experience the loss over and over rather than just once.
    You will move on - I can personally testify to that. You just have to be angry enough to vow that this experience and that person are not going to maim you for the rest of your life! Reclaim yourself.
    A friend of mine found that a Ceremony helped. She invited her closest friends round, made a guy fawkes dummy, dressed it in her husband's clothes, shouted at it, punched it, told it all the things she wanted to say to HIM and then burned it in the garden along with the rest of his belongings. It sounds really ghoulish, but it was incredibly therapeutic!

  3. Lovely and helpful comments from both the above - I agree and especially about losing the rock. I am so sorry that you're feeling grimly despondent, but it will not last. Honestly. And somewhere you know that. And somehow, if you can hold on to that, you'll weather this.

    There you go: suntru is the word verification. May your sun truly come out.

  4. T. I think one month is not very long and there's no way you could be over anything in that time.

    Just take care of you and say what you want to say: be who you are. "This above all to thine ownself be true ..."

  5. I agree with "lose the rock and sinking boat". AND, it's okay that you are going through the grieving process. 1. Denial and Isolation.
    2. Anger.
    3. Bargaining.
    4. Depression.
    5. Acceptance.

    You can only be responsible for yourself....and the best revenge is living CAN do this!

  6. oh T., it just takes a really long time to get through pain like this. i'm sorry, but that's the truth. it changes shape, density, weight, moves from foreground to background, from consciousness to unconsciousness. it does, as they say, get "easier"; in the meantime, do everything you possibly can to celebrate yourself.
    park that pain somewhere; it's moved in, but it doesn't need to take over the house. it'll slink off to live under a rock in the backyard eventually. meanwhile, accept it; but dont feed it if you can possibly help it. all nurturing goes to you.

  7. A month??? No way! Not nearly enough time to process anything, let alone a huge life change packed with betrayal and cruel surprise. That stuff takes time, real time, to work your mind around. I doubt anybody expects a drop more of your "recovery" than wherever it is that you actually are. You're here... you're writing, you're gardening, you're cleaning, you're reading, you're working, you're taking care of your kitty and kids... sounds like an amazing start to me.

    That said, this is your blog and you can take it whatever direction you want. If you're tired of talking about this stuff here, even if just temporarily, go ahead and write about something else. I think your readers can handle the change of topic without making assumptions that it's *all better*. Maybe it would feel good to break the momentum of heaviness on the blog? I don't know. I'm just saying that you have my humble permission to do whatever the hell you want on here!

  8. I'm so sorry, T. You are in my thoughts and prayers. It will take time. Hang in there!

  9. Dear T - Reading my comment again, I think it sounds like I'm telling you to get over it. I wasn't! Oh god it's only been a month, it is so fresh and so terrible still. I guess I was thinking of finding images that project what you want to be and feel, to help get you there. The maxim 'Fake it til you make it' which is the thing my family did - some would call it 'stiff upper lip' - does, wierdly, work sometimes (not always). It's also about making wings so when you're ready you can fly again. Reading everyone else's comments, I think what a wealth of wisdom there is here, how good it is to read it, how lucky you are to have such friends. And I think of the image on Susan's blog of the paper people linking hands. We are with you for as long as it takes.

  10. Keep writing here, it will help. We are here with you. But hon, are you doing any therapy? A good therapist would be good around now. The healing will take time, and time. Love.

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  12. Honey, processing the actuality of what has happened takes a lot longer than a month, that is for sure. Getting angry is part of the process and necessary, particularly since this shattering and shredding came with no warning.

    However, I, at least, am guessing, that a year from now, you are going to be in a very different state. But in the meantime -- oh, honey, it's horrible for sure.

    Love, C.

  13. I'm new to your blog and don't know any background, but this is intense and beautiful writing. One month must seem like forever --